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Dear Fearless Love,

My husband and I have been married for 16 years and we’re in our early 50's. In March, I found out he had an affair. He told me it is the only time it happened during our marriage. On numerous occasions I asked him to stop all contact and he assured me he would, but I found out otherwise. He did not stop emailing/texting and phoning her and finally I moved out in May. We have recently decided to rebuild our marriage and he told me he is not seeing her but is only texting/emailing. I have told him I cannot go forward while he remains in contact and he can't explain why he continues to do so other than he is trying to back away from her slowly because of the feelings he developed for her. In our last communication he said he’s not talking, messaging or texting anyone but me. I am looking for some direction. I find it very difficult to talk openly without getting very emotional. What can I do to move forward?

~Suzana

 

Dear Suzana,

Healing from betrayal takes time and commitment.  If your spouse has stopped all communication and is ready to recommit to you and the marriage, the following will assist in restoring your relationship:

  • Commit to healing.  Each partner must make a decision to heal and create space for forgiveness.
  • Commit to place your marriage first.  Establish emotional safety parameters, which means you must be able to hear one another without judgment.
  • The unfaithful partner is accountable to the faithful spouse in restoring the trust – granting access to emails, phone, passwords, etc.  This includes changing unsupportive friends and becoming open and honest.
  • Understand what led to the affair.  Take into account the events that occurred in the relationship contributing to the break in intimacy leading to the affair.  What were the things that happened or didn’t happen -- how did you not support or nourish each other? 
  • Commit to effective communication.   Reframe from blaming.  Acknowledge and validate one another.
  • Reestablish a friendship. Take genuine interest in your partner’s hopes and dreams as well as their ideas for fun.
  • Design an intentional marriage.  Create a marriage vision listing the desires of your ideal relationship.  Establish agreements that protect your love.


An affair does not need to end in divorce.  It can create an opportunity to reclaim and redefine your marriage.  Seeking support from a relationship coach or marriage counselor will help you move through this season of rebuilding to create a stronger marriage.
 

Heal. Restore. Recover. Start with a 12-week individual or couple’s coaching package. Please contact Jianny at jianny@fearlesslove.net, call with her at 561-450-5580 or visit www.fearlesslove.net. Phone and Skype consultations available.

Posted on 28 Jul 2015 by jianny

Dear Fearless Love,

I had a long-term relationship with my boyfriend that left me devastated and nowhere. I am trying to figure out how to move on after giving myself so deeply for so long. We lived together for 10 years, but recently I actually ran away from him.  He is generous, good-looking, and well-liked and respected by others.  However, he somehow kept me feeling controlled and dependent on him. We would go through cycles where we talked through the issues and I tried to forgive him, thinking he just needed help. When I finally threatened to leave, he said he was now seeing a therapist, but he didn’t allow me to go with him and then simply asked forgiveness for all his bad behaviors by writing love letters and giving me more attention. The patterns repeated; no real changes happened. I sit here alone and scared. I have fond memories but then I am angry with him again. I am wondering if it was all my fault. And how am I going to make it without him?

~Randi

 

Dear Randi,

It’s confusing and traumatic to be in a romantic relationship where we’re supposed to be loved and cherished but instead our trust is betrayed and exploited. 

Betrayal is a form of abandonment where who you are - your interests and wellbeing - are continually ignored. It is purposeful and self-serving. It is often difficult to see because the betrayer may be close to you, as with your boyfriend. 

Exploitive relationships create betrayal bonds. They occur when a victim bonds (or attaches) with someone who is destructive to him or her due to the presence of danger or fear (often, of losing the relationship). The bond is an addictive attachment to the person who is hurting you. You may try to help them understand what they’re doing, attempting to convert them to become a non-abuser. You may blame yourself for their behavior. The relationship usually also has positive attributes, which confuses the picture. When you cease making positive choices for yourself, the negative is outweighing the positive and the relationship has become destructive.

Betrayal bonds appeal to emptiness, unfinished business or wounds from the victim’s past. There’s an unspoken, even unconscious hope that this relationship will make up for those earlier losses. This is so appealing that intuition and logic are set aside.

Some situations where these betrayal bonds typically occur are:

  • Domestic violence
  • Dysfunctional marriages and dysfunctional romantic relationships
  • Incest and child abuse
  • Exploitation in the workplace
  • Religious abuse and cults
  • Litigation 
  • Kidnapping and hostage situations
  • Addictions (alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, eating, high-risk behavior)


According to Patrick Carnes a number of signs indicate the presence of a betrayal bond:

  • When people around you have strong negative reactions, yet you continue covering up, defending or explaining a relationship. 
  • When there is a constant pattern of nonperformance and yet you continue to believe false promises or false hopes, and are asked to overlook the broken promises.
  • When there are repetitive, destructive fights that never get resolved.
  • When you move closer to someone you know is destructive to you with the desire of converting them to non-abuser.
  • When someone’s talents, charisma or contributions cause you to overlook destructive, exploitive or degrading acts.
  • When you cannot detach from someone even though you do not trust, like or care for the person.
  • When you long for or miss a relationship that was so awful it almost destroyed you.
  • When extraordinary demands are placed upon you to cover up that you’ve been exploited.
  • When you keep secret about someone’s destructive behavior toward you or another because of all the good they have done or the importance of their position or career. 

The recovery process begins when the survivor is in complete acceptance of his or her having been betrayed.

Randi, please don't try to figure all this out alone. Healthy bonds from therapy, support groups, spiritual mentoring and supportive relationships must be created to help you walk through the healing and restorative journey. Surround yourself with people whose actions value, honor and cherish you, and this season will pass with strength and wisdom gained. 

Heal. Restore. Recover. Start with a 12-week individual or couple’s coaching package. Please contact Jianny at jianny@fearlesslove.net, call with her at 561-450-5580 or visit www.fearlesslove.net. Phone and Skype consultations available.

Carnes, Patrick, PhD; The Betrayal Bond. HCI: Deerfield, FL: 1997

Posted on 28 Jul 2015 by jianny

Dear Fearless Love,

What’s love and how do you know when you’re “in it” -- for real? When does “like” turn into love and how do I know if what I’m feeling is real or just something I’m caught up in at the moment?

~Monica

 

Dear Monica,

Love is fluid, with many flavors and depths. Being in love is an emotion producing strong affection and obsession for another.

When the other person reflects those sentiments, life is experienced from the extraordinary. This initial phase is filled with lust and driven by chemistry. It lasts about 18 - 24 months.

When values and life goals match, then love has a greater chance for longevity. Intimate love enjoys chemistry; however, it is harnessed by deep attachment and commitment. Here, love leads with actions and making choices congruent with care and respect, even when we don’t feel it.

We uphold our responsibilities to the life we have committed to. This in turn, leads to personal growth and fulfillment and a deeper, stronger love.  

In lasting love, each partner has taken great care to satisfy each other’s needs and regard the other as his/her most valued prize – held in high esteem and gratitude. There is a great sense of security and freedom in this form of love which comes with time.  

Go from stuck to irresistible with a 12-week singles or couples coaching package. Please contact Jianny at jianny@fearlesslove.net, speak with her directly at 561-450-5580 or visit www.fearlesslove.net. Skype and phone consultations available.

Posted on 07 Jul 2015 by jianny


Dear Fearless Love,

My wife and I have been married for 11 years and have two children. We both work and have busy schedules. I would like to train for a triathlon but am not sure how to negotiate workout time that is fair to both of us. My wife likes taking yoga classes and likes to write. It seems that our individual pursuits go on the back burner when kids’ duty calls. How do couples decide who gets priority?

~Tom

 

Dear Tom,

In marriage, we forgo certain freedoms in turn for living and sharing our life with our best friend and raising a family. However, relinquishing your personal interests and goals should not be one of them. It’s important that we express our expectations, desires, goals, and dreams and find a way to support one another. 

How to prioritize personal pursuits in marriage:

1.  As individuals, list your personal desires, goals and dreams.

2.  Come together as a couple to share the lists.

3.  Notice things in common and what might be complementary.

4.  Agree to support each other.

5.  Spend 1 hour a week as a couple doing fun or relaxing things you both share an interest in.

6.  Spend 1 hour a week as a family for fun activities with the children.

7.  Decide how many hours a week each of you needs for your personal pursuits – working out, playing in a band, writing a book, attaining a higher education, training for a triathlon; etc. 

Many individuals are happy to take on more responsibilities to support their spouse in pursuing a life goal or dream. Marriage affords us the gift of sacrificial love, which if not abused, can lead to great joy and source of pride. Others are able to strike a balance. You take care of the kids five mornings a week while I take on the cooking duties, etc. 

As long as you stay flexible, you can support each other’s goals and dreams. This in turn grounds and deepens your love. Although marriage requires some work, it’s not all work and no play. Self-awareness and collaboration in pursuing your goals and dreams is integral to healthy and happy relationships. 

Jianny Adamo, LMHC, LPC is the founder of Fearless Love Relationship Coaching and Counseling. Please contact Jianny at jianny@fearlesslove.net, call with her at 561-450-5580 or visit www.fearlesslove.net. Phone and Skype consultations available.

Posted on 07 Jul 2015 by jianny

Dear Fearless Love,

I’m 34, single and really want to find my mate. Looking back on my prior relationships, I’ve noticed I’ve had a hard time trusting men. How do I move past this? What's your advice?

~Lorna


Dear Lorna,

How wonderful that you are looking inward before moving forward. Falling in love and attracting your mate requires vulnerability. Somewhere is a trustworthy man who has been yearning to meet a woman like you.  

1. Be clear on what you want and believe that he is out there.

2. Seek healing for how you’ve been betrayed or wounded in your previous relationships.

3. Learn to trust yourself. When meeting or communicating with a new guy, trust your gut feelings. If you sense something wrong or you may not feel safe, do not excuse it.  If you err on the side of perfectionism or reactivity, then get wisdom from a trusted friend before making a decision. If you feel safe with him you may want to give him three chances as misunderstandings do happen. Each instance needs to be cleared in order for you to proceed to another date. If you don’t feel safe with him, move on.

4. Reclaim your personal power. Take responsibility for the parts you played in past relationships. This will help you from being victimized again. If you were too passive, learn to assert yourself. If too reactive, practice gentleness. You have the freedom to choose how you show up in the world and with whom you spend your time and give your attention to.

5. Embrace a new mindset. The love of your life is out there. Respect and listen to yourself. Associate with trustworthy people and be a trustworthy individual. Enlist friends and family to connect you with men who may be a good match for you.

6. Trust is earned not granted; therefore, take your time.  It’s better to take time to meet Mr. Right than fall for Mr. Wrong. Safeguard your heart.  Mr. Right will also want to safeguard your heart. Time and experience with him will reveal those truths.


Go from stuck to irresistible with a 12-week singles or couples coaching package. Please contact Jianny at jianny@fearlesslove.net, speak with her directly at 561-450-5580 or visit www.fearlesslove.net. Skype and phone consultations available.

Posted on 02 Jun 2015 by jianny

Dear Fearless Love,

How do you know when someone no longer loves you?

~George


Dear George,

The short answer is they tell you. They are not available for you.  They are not responsive to you. They do not have time for you and verbally and behaviorally they communicate they are not interested. For love to flourish you must be available, responsive and engaged with your partner.

In dating, these behaviors may signal the relationship has run its course. At this point it may be wise to say good-bye and set each other free to find a suitable partner. Depending on the history and relationship stage the answer will vary.

For instance, the above answer is sufficient for new love, non-committed relationships. Yet, in a committed relationship, the behaviors indicated above point to a deeper relationship issue, which can usually be resolved if both parties are willing to be safe enough to hear the truth of what is going on in the relationship.  

In a committed relationship and in marriage, rough patches are to be expected. Love ebbs and flows creating tension and conflicts that if resolved draw the couple closer and deeper in their intimacy. You do not discard this relationship but rather push forward to regain the trust and love that has eroded.  This is how we grow in love and in wholeness.

 

Go from stuck to irresistible with a 12-week singles or couples coaching package. Please contact Jianny at jianny@fearlesslove.net, speak with her directly at 561-450-5580 or visit www.fearlesslove.net. Skype and phone consultations available.

Posted on 02 Jun 2015 by jianny

Learn what to do, even if you are one of them.

Unless you live on a deserted island, you will need to deal with controlling individuals.  Controlling individuals perceive control as an all-or-nothing experience and bid for total control in order to avoid experiencing pain, such as feelings of fear, despair or shame.

Giving up control is equated with “being out of control.”  Therefore, they tend to try to manage both the external – people, circumstances, and tasks, as well as the internal - all intangible aspects of their personal lives.

These individuals have difficulty expressing and dealing with their needs, wants and feelings.  This in turn leads to anger issues because their needs are not being met. Due to these unmet needs, they are disrespectful of other people’s needs and boundaries. They fear conflict, but have a knack for creating conflict and discord.

The following four styles illustrate common ways control freaks disguise their attempts to control:

1. Sweet Controller - This person is often passive-aggressive, polite, pleasant and sweet in order to get what he or she wants, seemingly innocent and charming. Initially we respond positively to them, but later we are left with a bad taste in our mouth as we recognize we are being manipulated, used and/or played. 

2. Distant Controller – This person is rigid, emotionally cold, detailed oriented efficient and often a perfectionist. It is difficult to get close to him or her as they don’t let down their guard easily. He or she has difficulty with teamwork and collaborative efforts as they believe they know best and automatically assume others will let them down. With this individual you can feel invisible.

3. Passive Controller- This person is a Martyr. He or she will tell you to do what you want and that they don’t care. But the hidden message is “You actually better know and do what I want; if you don’t, you will be punished.” With this individual you are in a catch 22 – damned if you do and damned if you don’t; therefore, it leaves you feeling powerless or helpless.

4. Angry Controller – This person is a bully and is ruthless. He or she says to the world, “I want what I want, when I want it, and I will get it.” It’s their way or the highway. With this individual you will feel intimidated.

If you are in a relationship with a controlling individual, the best way to handle their tactics is to ignore the controlling behaviors and keep your focus on your needs or what you want. Do not get sidetracked trying to fix their unhealthy, abusive tactics as this will trap you in a conflict - a negative cycle of defending and offending each other.

If you are in a close relationship then you can request a behavioral change. State the behavior that is upsetting you, let him or her know how it makes you feel and what behavior you would like in its place.

The only areas we truly have control over is our beliefs, attitudes and actions. Otherwise, we have only some control or really no control at all. If you have issues with control, be willing to give up some control.  Start with letting go of the easiest things first, such as what movie you’ll watch or dictating to your partner how to load the dishwasher.  As you learn to let go of control in those less important areas, you can then proceed towards the harder areas that cause the greatest pain.

Letting go of control will increase your ability to listen to yourself and others and increase your ability to trust. Letting go of control will also increase peace, serenity, balance and intimacy in your life and in your relationships.  

Find balance with a 12-week individual or couple’s coaching package. Please contact Jianny at jianny@fearlesslove.net, call with her at 561-450-5580 or visit www.fearlesslove.net. Phone and Skype consultations available.

Black, Claudia, PhD; Changing Course. MN: Hazelden, 1999.

   

Posted on 13 May 2015 by jianny

A healthy, well-balanced life is possible

Dear Fearless Love,

I am a single mom raising three kids whose ages range from 8 to 15. Although, I enjoy what I do, I work long hours. When home, I focus on my children. My kids want to see me happy and would like for me to date, but with their busy schedules and house projects, I don’t have any time left.  I’d also like to shed a few pounds before I am ready, anyway. This all seems overwhelming; I don’t know how to manage it all! How do I find time for me?  ~Helena

 

Dear Helena,

It seems that what you seek is a healthy well-balanced life, a tall order for today as a single mom. We are continuously flooded with information, social media and decision-making activities, all of which keep stress levels high. However, having balance in our lives is vital for our happiness and well-being and increases our ability to focus attention and energy on attaining our goals.

Currently your energy is externally focused and lacking a clear direction. It’s important to have a map of where you are going. It is just as important to harness some energy internally for yourself.

Here are five simple steps on how to have a well-balanced life:

1. Create a plan of what you want to achieve. What are your objectives and goals at home? For work? For your personal life? Write down your goals for each category. 

2. Having boundaries is cool. Preserve your creativity and best energy to accomplish your work.  Bracket times to engage in social media, to return calls and to respond to emails when you have less energy. Get comfortable with saying “no” to people and tasks that don’t line up to your desired goals or don’t add value to your life.

3. Treating yourself by hiring support is just as cool. Hire a cleaning service to clean your home, organize the closets, and complete the projects around the house. How about a virtual assistant? There are several online companies that provide virtual assistance and the best part is they don’t have to break the piggy bank. They can manage both your work and social calendar, set doctor’s appointments, send thank you notes, make travel arrangements, research and even shop for you. How about a relationship coach, personal trainer or nutrition coach? Decorator or chauffer? The possibilities are endless. You don’t have to do it alone and many of these services are negotiable to satisfy your budget. 

4. Prioritize rest. Use this time to meditate, pray, read, nap, listen to music, do yoga, take a bubble bath or engage in any self-care activity. This is your daily “me time” to replenish and reconnect with yourself. 

5. Love. Learn to give and receive love. Take care of your physical, emotional and spiritual health. It’s an expression of self-love.  Share quality time with your family and friends. A healthy well-balanced life is about finding a rhythm of work-love-play-rest. As you tap into your rhythm you will feel more grounded, clear-headed, motivated and feel empowered to lose those extra pounds. You will hit the town feeling and looking your best.  Don’t forget to have fun and be patient with yourself!

Find balance with a 12-week individual or couple’s coaching package. Please contact Jianny at jianny@fearlesslove.net, call with her at 561-450-5580 or visit www.fearlesslove.net. Phone and Skype consultations available.

Posted on 13 May 2015 by jianny

Dear Fearless Love,

My boyfriend and I broke up a few weeks ago and since then I have lost interest in the things I enjoy -- like going to the gym and hanging out with my friends. He has a new girlfriend, and I can’t stop crying or feeling angry that he could move on so quickly! Some of my friends tell me to move on, but how can I when my heart is broken into a million pieces? What can I do or is there something I need to learn through this?

Yazmin

 

Dear Yazmin,

Give yourself the time you need to heal. Consider the starfish. Starfish symbolize healing and renewal.  They are emblematic of guidance, salvation in times of trouble and divine love. The sea star’s remarkable ability to regenerate a broken limb is just like our heart’s ability to heal and regenerate attitudes, beliefs and mindsets. We can cutoff beliefs that disempower as well as unfulfilling attachments that no longer serve us or our relationship goals.  We can grow new limbs of behaviors, thought to greater consciousness and levels of experience. We can also grow new limbs to embrace divine love and wholeness.

Most starfish have 5 points. Using the starfish as our guide, here are 5 points for regenerating or healing your broken heart:

  1. Maintain or modify routines. As hard as this is try to wake up and go through the day as you normally would. You may have lost zest for life and function without motivation but keep putting one foot in front of the other. Consider it a temporary gestation period while your heart grows new limbs.

  2. Engage in low impact exercise. Your energy level is low so move in the direction your heart allows. Not exercising may be what comes easily, but you’ll get more benefits if you engage in nature walks, yoga, leisure bike rides or swimming. Allow the restorative qualities of nature to embrace and bring you comfort.

  3. Create. Engaging in arts and crafts, decorating or woodworking projects provide an escape and channel your creative abilities to alleviate pain and increase peacefulness.

  4. Listen to restorative music. Try the soothing sounds of instrumental, classical, and yoga tunes. You may also find yourself drawn to playing the guitar or another instrument. Let the rhythm move you to self-expression and integration between body and soul.

  5. Gratitude. While in a state of brokenness, it’s easy to feel jealousy for what your heart longs for and someone else has. It’s easy to be hypersensitive and judgmental when others are insensitive toward you, and it’s also easy to hold on to anger and self-pity. Remember, as the starfish, focus on regeneration. Step away from shallow, superficial relationships and seek divine wisdom, guidance and love. Through prayer and meditation you can adopt a spirit of gratitude for what you have and what you aspire to be or to become.

When you go through a break-up, the primary individual you would seek comfort from is no longer there or is the cause of the pain. Precisely at this time it is best to seek divine love. Turning to the arms of another romantic partner provides temporary relief. Validation and wholeness does not come from another person but from God. Only he can breathe life and make us whole.

While the above provides guidelines for healing a broken heart, if you have been in an abusive relationship, it’s important to seek professional counseling to restore the trust, sense of security and the self-esteem that’s been lost.

 

Regenerate with a 12-week individual or couple’s coaching package. Please contact Jianny at jianny@fearlesslove.net, call with her at 561-450-5580 or visit www.fearlesslove.net. Phone and Skype consultations available.

 

 

Posted on 01 Apr 2015 by jianny

If you have been dating for a while you’ll know that navigating the dating scene is downright scary at times. Would you recognize the warning signals when dealing with a sex addict? Sex addiction is the fastest growing type of addiction in the U.S. and it’s one of the hardest to detect and treat.

Sex addiction, sexual dependency, or hypersexuality is when an individual’s life is dominated with the need to have an intensity-based experience usually surrounding sex -the thought of sex, planning his or her conquest or encounters. The secret, dark life of the addict becomes more important than other aspects of his or life such as maintaining regular eating habits, prioritizing exercising, maintaining a strong work ethic, or fostering healthy relationships.

An addict organizes his or her life around escalation of and engagement in risky behavior regardless of the increasingly disastrous consequences. It is not uncommon for the person with a sexual addiction to rationalize and justify his or her behaviors and thought patterns; they’re usually in heavy denial that a problem exists.

If you suspect you are dating someone with a sex addiction, the following are tall tale signs:

  1. Lack of character.  To keep their secret world safe, they will present a charming social exterior. However, you will start to see a pattern of behaviors and attitudes that lack integrity.  There is little substance to their word and you will notice inconsistency with their stories and the facts. Many sex addicts lead a double life, are sociopathic and narcissistic, making them expert liars and manipulators. Don’t expect to see remorse or a sincere apology for their wrong doings.

  2. Romance junkie.  In the beginning, they are romantic, passionate and sexual. They’ve got moves and will engage you early and often to see how far they can get with you. Although, some will show self-control in order to study you. The more you resist, the bigger the challenge and rush they get. They will invade your personal space, right from the first encounter. They can be impressively scary as they show off their skill sets - from cornering you in an elevator and making you quiver to fingering you while you’re still fully clothed and certainly not expecting to be that intimate that quickly.

  3. Sex is his/her most important need.  He or she usually brags that they can have sex several times a day, but they are selfish lovers looking for their gratification. Be wary when a potential partner is unwilling to delay sexual gratification in favor of getting acquainted with you.

  4. Loses track of time. The pursuit and engagement of pleasure is his or her priority.  Everything else isn’t that important to them. Watch for lapses in time and the inability to show up to your dates on time or bring you home when you asked to be back.

  5. Unsafe sex and STDs. This brings up the stakes and the rush. Or they simply don’t care as safety, security, and precaution is thrown to the wind. You will see such recklessness in other aspects of his or her life.

  6. Commitment-phobic. He or she doesn’t want commitments. They will marry for ulterior motives such as financial gains or status within the community. However, love isn’t the motive.

  7. Serial dating. It’s not unusual for him or her to have multiple individuals they are dating or pursuing at any given time, while keeping each of them in the dark about one another. Unless his preference is porn, most have lost count of how many partners they’ve had.  He or she hasn’t spent any time in their adult life alone. He or she goes from one relationship or sexual partner to the next, with a history of cheating and/or porn use.

  8. Will not take “No” for an answer. A sign of addiction is the inability to accept an unsatisfied desire. Look for persistent signs of nagging, pursuing, or complaining to get what they want. For an addict, your “no” has no meaning. A person who is not sexually addicted is completely capable of accepting, "Sorry, I'm tired. I’m not interested. It’s too soon” etc.

  9. Detachment. The sexual activity does not satisfy the addict, sexually or emotionally. He or she does not bond with you. Once they walk out the door, they have already forgotten you. Don’t be surprise to hear, “I forgot how nice it’s to be with you,” although you were together a week ago.

  10. List of behaviors associated with a sexual addiction: Unsafe sex. Persistent use of pornography, phone or chat-room sex and/or cybersex. One-night stands, extra-marital affairs, GPS hook-ups, obsessive online dating. Multiple sexual partners. Compulsive masturbation, exhibitionism, voyeurism, prostitution or using prostitutes. Sexual harassment. Molestation. Rape.

  11. Your gut tells you there is something wrong and you’re reading this blog. Don’t wait for the unavoidably traumatic ending of love that occurs when you are involved with a person trapped within a toxic sexual addiction. Cut them loose immediately and save yourself the heartache and headaches.

The best way to protect and safeguard your heart is to wait to be in a fully committed relationship before you engage sexually. The signs of addiction should emerge by then and you will have had time to develop other important connections necessary to support a life-long happy and healthy marriage.

 

Get unstuck with a 12-week singles or couples coaching package. Please contact Jianny at jianny@fearlesslove.net, speak with her at 561-450-5580 or visit www.fearlesslove.net. Skype and phone consultations available.

 

 

Posted on 01 Apr 2015 by jianny
Posted on 31 Dec 1969 by
Posted on 31 Dec 1969 by

Three tips to enjoy more sex, deepen your connection, and sustain a passionate relationship.

1.  Pursuit

Wooing your wife will go a lot further than you think. Women feel desired, beautiful, and wanted by their husband’s advances, as long as sexual conquest isn’t the only time you focus attention toward her. Taking for granted that sex comes with marriage is boring! On the contrary, seizing the opportunity to create a deeper connection by a little kiss here and a little kiss there, then walking away, will peak her interest.

The secret to pursuing is creating a rhythm. First, connect with her - intellectually, emotionally, physically or spiritually. This will result in experiencing feelings of togetherness or closeness. Being suggestive, such as leaving a flower on her pillow or her car’s windshield, or gazing at her while kissing your child, evokes delight and romantic intrigue.

Second, when the moment is past go about your business. Third, later in the day, make another connection that results in feelings of togetherness such as reflecting back to her or following through on things that are important to her. Your wife will receive it as an affirming, caring act. Engaging in a daily ritual of ebbing and flowing, of togetherness and separateness, creates mystery and strengthens your relationship by renewing interest, passion, and desire for one another.

2.   Communication

If men fall in love between their eyes, women fall in love between their ears. Do you recall the first time you laid eyes on your wife? One of the first things you did or wanted to do was to talk with her. Talking, texting and any form of communication is sexy. Women need openness and transparency in order to build trust and feel safe. This dynamic played a huge part for her, initially, in opening her heart to you. Don’t underestimate the power of seduction found in talking and communicating.

Learning to be a good listener as well as expressing your innermost experiences and feelings is key. Note that women use communication for many reasons, one of which is to alleviate stress. If you give her 20 minutes when she is ranting and raving and not try fixing her or the issue (unless she asks), it will pass. She’s just venting.

Sharing of thoughts, ideas and musing conversations are a fundamental part of a loving rapport between a man and a woman. Creating time to share meaningful conversations will rekindle your love and affection. Make it an escape from the outside world and an invitation to each other’s inner world.

3.   Pleasure

Women generally need time to warm up, in order to feel sexual and have an orgasm. Therefore, great lovers know how to take their time with their lady. Intimate time together should be a zone free of worry, pressure and defensiveness. Pay attention to what feels pleasurable to your spouse. Reaching an orgasm isn’t the goal but rather the result of enjoying each other.

Cultivating an attitude of playfulness with your partner will also score big. Be willing to take chances and try new things. Viewing your sex life as a place to explore your connection with yourself and your partner is sexy. Connect with different emotions - laughing, incorporating power play and role playing, or expressing darker emotions and desires. Don’t forget to engage with all of your five senses - touch, taste, smell, sight, and sound.

Being playful and adventurous will require you to be willing to move outside your comfort zone, challenging you to let go of some control. Great sex requires some uncertainty. The “not knowing” fuels sexual energy and passion toward each other. You'll enjoy sex more, deepen your connection, and sustain a passionate relationship.

Great lovers aren't born; they're made. Choosing to be more attentive to your partner, being a more open communicator, intentionally ebbing and flowing in and out of togetherness, and embracing playfulness to create new experiences can lead you to a blazing fire! A few simple changes can bring back the spark almost overnight.

 

Check out my article "7 Smart Ways To Romance Your Sweetie!" on the YourTango website for expert advice on love and relationships.

Bring back the spark with a 12-week couples coaching package. Please contact Jianny at jianny@fearlesslove.net, speak with her directly at 561-450-5580 or visit www.fearlesslove.net. Phone and Skype consultations available.

Posted on 02 Feb 2015 by jianny

Could you be suffering from the ACOA Personality Type?

Dear Fearless Love,

A few months ago, I went through my second divorce, a marriage that lasted about 3 years.  I admit, I am attracted to women who need me more than those who are my equal. I took my time before I got married again and I thought this time I really had the right one.  

I have a demanding and successful career that provides a comfortable lifestyle for my family.  I have full custody of my children from my first marriage and they are good kids who seem to have adjusted well. I have always taken care of my parents due to my father’s alcoholism.  I have paid off their home and make sure they are taken care of.

I don’t usually have a lot of time for myself, but when I do I may visit a gentleman’s club. At night, I spend a few minutes on an adult site to take the edge off and sleep better. On the outside, I have everything but when it comes to relationships, I feel like a failure.

Franco

 

Dear Franco,

It must be very confusing to have so many things the world would deem as successful yet having a successful marriage isn’t one of them. On one hand, the skills you learned in childhood to manage the chaos and survive the traumatic events surrounding your family have served you well.  On the other hand, these survival skills have left you fighting years of negative imprinting that work against intimacy and happiness in adult relationships.

Take a look at some characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) Personality type and see if you can relate:

  1. As a child experienced parental abandonment due to addiction, illness, etc.; subsequently, experienced reversal of roles with your parent(s) forcing you to grow up quickly.
  2. Choose unhealthy, toxic partners where you become the co-dependent or love addict; consequently, involved in high conflict relationships, break ups and/or grief.
  3. Need full control of the relationship; experienced by others as controlling.
  4. Have a high lust and sex drive, which is used to soothe anxiety and validate self-worth.
  5. Sublimate personal needs and have low self-esteem, plus a performance orientation, leading to over-functioning in relationships and compulsive work habits. These in turn lead to external success, sometimes confounded by a high burn-out rate and/or compassion fatigue.
  6. Have a shadow life surrounding a secret, which masks fear of abandonment, insecurities, fear of rejection, fear of being alone, and constant worrying.
  7.  A strong sense of inadequacy leading to taking things personally, fearing authority figures, and  quickly blaming others for their inadequacy, all of which are perceived by others as arrogance.
  8.  Tend to be overly serious and perfectionistic, masking feelings of unworthiness.

                

It will take your full commitment to personal growth in order to find the balance you so need and crave. Unlike in childhood where you had to figure it all out alone, today you will need to start by creating a support team: a psychotherapist who understands Adult Children Of Alcoholics personality type, a spiritual mentor, a spiritual practice, a 12-step group and plan, supportive friends,  and educating yourself thoroughly about this topic. Expect this to be a journey that will take its time, but at the end you will have your heart’s desire to love and be loved.

 

Start your self-discovery journey with a 12-week singles or couples coaching package. Please contact Jianny at jianny@fearlesslove.net, speak with her directly at 561-450-5580 or visit www.fearlesslove.net. Phone and Skype consultations available.

Posted on 02 Feb 2015 by jianny
A New Year’s Resolution
 

Did you know that 2+0+1+5 = 8 and the biblical meaning of eight is a new beginning? That is great news for our love lives —for we are being reset! Say good-bye to unfulfilling relationships.

Nurturing these eight habits in 2015 will position us to receive all the best this new season has to offer:

1.   Prioritizing self-care. Getting a good night’s rest, eating nutritious meals and exercising set a good start for harnessing positive energy and looking our best. Remember, the key is to make small and conscious choices.

2.  A grateful heart. Starting each morning with an appreciation or affirming thought puts us a step closer to our heart’s desire. “Thank you, the love of my life is waiting for me" or "Thank you, this is the year I become financially independent.”

3.  Ditching negative thinking - about ourselves, our loved ones, and our circumstances.  Replacing them with positive, affirming statements. “This is the year I will get married or this is the year I will find my soulmate."

4.  Not sweating the small stuff.  What seems like the “biggest problem ever” in the moment, in time, will become a speck of dust. Breathe and remind yourself, “Everything is just the way it’s supposed to be. It will all work together for good.”

5.  Practicing forgiveness. Holding onto resentment saps our energy and keeps us stuck in the past. Forgiveness sets us free and our hearts become open to love.

6.  Choosing friends and relationships that inspire. The people we surround ourselves with will either become a spring board or will hold us back. Hanging out with unmotivated or negative people will keep us stagnant and make us depressed.  We need to walk alongside the right people to achieve our greatest level of happiness and success.

7.  Developing a creative ability. Whether you want to cook like a gourmet chef, entertain your friends and family with your musicality or learn how to use water color, create the time. Investing in ourselves has huge dividends with residual effects, like, feeling happy.

8.  Laughing more. Being more spontaneous and being sillier takes the edge off and releases endorphins that offset stress. Do you know what the number one thing that captivates a man's heart? It's our positive energy. So go ahead and glow! As women, when we walk as beacons of light and love we fulfill our purpose and are casting a wide net to catching our fish.

 

Usher in real love in 2015! Start the New Year with a 12-week singles or couples coaching package. Please contact Jianny at jianny@fearlesslove.net, speak with her directly at 561-450-5580 or visit www.fearlesslove.net. Skype and phone consultations available.

Posted on 10 Jan 2015 by jianny

Dear Fearless Love,

I recently celebrated five years of marriage with my husband whom I hope to spend the rest of my life with.  He’s a reserved man who gets along with my family and is a good father.  However, I have a few issues with him and I don’t want to complain, but I hope you can help me.  There are times I feel he lacks ambition and direction.  Sometimes I feel like his mother, having to figure things out for him.  Just this week we got into a fight about his inability to go after a better paying job. He insists that he can’t take the exam needed to get the promotion, because tests give him too much pressure!  Another issue is he never initiates sex and now with our kids, I am too tired to initiate.  Our sex life is pretty nonexistent!  I’m frustrated and don’t know how to help him, even though I do love him.  What do you suggest?    -   Emilie

 

Dear Emilie,

I hear your frustration. While you are married to a good man, there are dynamics in the relationship frustrating you – having to work hard to carry your responsibilities and his, having to mother or­ fix him, having to initiate sex, being his support system to help him with his career and personal life, making him look good to the world, etc.  No wonder you are tired!

The traits you’ve discussed coincide with the characteristics of a person who deals with passive-aggressive tendencies. At the core, this individual is a poor communicator who may come across as shy. He may be romantic one moment and distant and critical the next. The following will help you determine if you are in a relationship with an individual with passive-aggressive tendencies:

  1.  Suppresses anger that later is released through vindictive actions against you
  2.  Will go long periods of angry silence or specific subjects will be changed on questioning
  3.  Procrastinates on projects and events
  4.  Emotionally withdraws and doesn’t forgive and forget easily, if at all
  5.  Manipulates and uses put-downs to get his point across
  6.  Has an air of innocence and enjoys playing the victim
  7.  Has poor leadership skills  and shows little incentive to get what he wants
  8.  A yes-man seeking approval and to avoid confrontation
  9.  Withholds sex to punish his spouse and make her feel undesirable
  10.  Acts like a dependent child needing to be nurtured by a strong partner
  11.  Tries to control his spouse due to his fears of dependency
  12.  Hides resentment and fear behind a “Mr. Good Guy” persona making you look crazy for getting upset with him  

These dynamics of guessing your husband’s needs and taking care of his responsibilities then later be punished for it can be addressed in therapy or relationship coaching.  You both can be equipped with the communication skills necessary to help your husband express himself effectively without reverting to primitive punishing behaviors. You will also be coached out of the parent-child roles where you’ve been stuck and guided to a different style of relating to achieve a more harmonious marriage. The key is to be proactive - don't wait another five years.

 

Go from stuck to irresistible! Start the New Year with a 12-week singles or couples coaching package. Please contact Jianny at jianny@fearlesslove.net, speak with her directly at 561-450-5580 or visit www.fearlesslove.net. Phone and Skype consultations available.

Posted on 10 Jan 2015 by jianny
Wisdom I Wish I Had Years Ago
  1. The grass isn’t greener. It’s all illusion.  Marriage to a person who lacks the openness for personal growth is a prison sentence.  So is being single and having to keep busy every minute of the day, in order not to feel the loneliness that comes from not having a spouse. It’s hard work on both ends!
  2. It’s all about you. You want a happy marriage or relationship but haven’t got the foggiest idea on how to cultivate or attract one.  Becoming a safe person or a safe harbor for your partner is the perfect beginning. Dare to be the best version of you in 2015!
  3. Proceed with caution. There are individuals playing the field. They don’t want a committed relationship... just the benefits!  These individual aren’t surrendering their hearts to anyone and live isolated from true intimacy.  The problem:  you can’t tell the difference between those who want a healthy relationship and are willing to work at it and those who are working you to take you to the cleaners!
  4. Don’t take it personal. It’s simply a matter of a mismatch. What they want (sex, financial gains, shelter, stability and security, a parent to take care of them, or simply, just to own you) and what you want, don’t match. It’s not personal! They simply have not evolved beyond selfishness. Real love is set apart by its desire and commitment to devote itself to another and undergirded by peace, respect, compassion, honesty and understanding.
  5. Learn to let go.  Leave the people, places and things in 2014 that do not bless your life or challenge you to be a better human being. Release them without letting go of your hopes and dreams. Your hopes and dreams go with you. They don’t die with a loss of a relationship but continue to shine bright guiding you in the New Year and beyond.
  6. Slow and steady wins the race. Learn to not attach yourself to anyone or any notion that doesn’t line up to your values and standards. Only then will you hold on tight!
  7. This world kidnaps us with an illusion of love. While the love we give as human beings is imperfect, only God’s love is perfect.  His unconditional love is transformational when we willingly receive it. Only then are we in a position to experience the greatest gift you will ever have -- to love and be loved in return without any barriers or conditions. Make 2015 the year you fully embrace God’s unconditional love for you!
  8. Know who you are and on what rock you stand. Your values, dreams and what you stand for will guide you to what you accept and don’t accept in your life’s journey.
  9. Treat others as you want to be treated. Make love, respect, and honesty a cornerstone of your life. Always speaking your truth and honoring your word.
  10. Love only exists in relationships -- to self, God and others. Our interconnectedness hinges on trust or faith. The best gift you can give yourself is to be a man or a woman that is worthy to be entrusted with someone else’s heart because then, and only then, will you be and your relationships be -- simply irresistible.                                                                               

Start the New Year with a 12-week singles or couples coaching package and go from stuck to irresistible!  Please contact Jianny at jianny@fearlesslove.net or speak with her directly at 561-450-5580 or www.fearlesslove.net.  Skype and phone consultations available.

 

Holiday Blessings

Blessings to friends, family and colleagues who’ve supported me through-out the years, to my clients who have entrusted me with their deepest and tender parts and blessings to you reading and sharing my blog.  May my work help you to be your best self and assist you in sustaining a marriage that is simply irresistible.

The November blog, which identified and gave tips on dealing with a sociopath, one of several toxic personality types, received an overwhelming response. Thousands of you read it and hundreds shared it. Based on your response, I will continue to write on other toxic personalities to help you steer clear from a potential nightmare or perhaps help you understand the one you are in!

Wishing you and your family love, health and success in 2015!

Jianny

 

Start the New Year with a 12-week singles or couples coaching package and go from stuck to irresistible! Please contact Jianny at jianny@fearlesslove.net or speak with her directly at 561-450-5580 or www.fearlesslove.net.

Posted on 22 Dec 2014 by jianny

Finding the Holiday Spirit When Feeling Grumpy Lonely and Blue

Dear Fearless Love,

I am divorced about 1 year and am wondering if it’s important to keep my traditions of celebrating the holidays.  I find myself changing the stations on the radio and don’t want to hear the Christmas songs.  Decorating and sending season’s greetings at one time in my life meant something, but honestly, there isn’t much that I can say I like about the Christmas season any more. Even seeing couples shopping together is annoying! I wasn’t always this negative, but after the divorce, my children won’t talk to me!  Last year, I boycotted the holidays. I don’t want to turn into a Mr. Scrooge! Any suggestions on how I can do this?

-Jamie

 

Dear Jamie,

Divorce affects every aspect of our being. One of these losses, initially, can be the loss of holiday tradition. Traditions anchor our celebration of love, family and our successes and achievements. After divorce, suddenly, the holidays are no longer the season to gather ‘round, give thanks, or be jolly.  Instead, they become a tricky maze of resentment, loneliness, sadness, loss and/or apathy.

Honoring traditions helps stabilize us and help us feel secure—gives us a sense of normalcy. Doing the holidays as a single means finding ways to integrate some of your favorite traditions and creating new ones.

 

3 things to help you find the Christmas spirit after divorce or loss:

  1. Give yourself the gift of YOU.  Be kind and patient with yourself while you are in this transitional state. Recognize you are grieving a major loss and pause to exhale the sadness and loneliness. Be careful not to entertain the pity party or to make bitterness your friend. These will keep you stuck in victimization.  Giving yourself what you need –  a good cry, encouraging words from a friend, a good workout, meditation, prayer, speaking with a therapist and reading spiritual and self-help literature will aid in moving you passed this phase.
  1. Something old and something new. Channel your creativity and remain flexible.­­­­­ Don’t try to recreate everything or abandon everything associated with the holidays - be selective and keep it simple. Shifting into curiosity can make new traditions more fun and enjoyable. Try sending e-cards to a select few.  Plan ahead with friends, family and coworkers or consider taking a trip to spend the holidays with a loved one who’s far away. Instead of buying gifts for everyone in the family consider blessing a family within the community who is in need.
  1. Comfort and joyNeither the gifts under the tree nor the size of the turkey are indicative of a joyous holiday season. One of the reasons we celebrate the birth of Christ is that in Him we have forgiveness and the promise of new life. Extend an olive branch to your children and try to make amends with them. Time, along with a new perspective, can make all things new again.

 

If you are a dealing with a loss or grief and would like to contact Jianny, please email her Jianny@fearlesslove.net or speak with her at 561-450-5580.

Posted on 20 Dec 2014 by jianny

Jianny AdamoDear Fearless Love,

A year ago I broke off a 15-month on-and-off-again relationship with someone I was deeply in love with. When we were together he was fun and made me laugh, and we talked for hours.  He liked being spontaneous, which I found exciting, but it meant he never planned our dates.  He wouldn’t define our relationship and he also didn’t want to involve our families or friends. When we saw each other it always involved being intimate even after I had just finished saying I didn’t want that! I fought with him about this blatant disregard for my wishes and safety, and I found myself asking him over and over again if he really cared about me or anything at all.  As much love as I felt for him, many times he left me feeling confused and insecure.  When I would break up with him, he would write me love letters and bring me gifts, so I believed things had changed.

Recently, I noticed he is pursuing other women as he pursued me – so sweet and charming!  I feel betrayed! Doesn’t he know how much he’s hurt me? Is it normal to feel so hurt even after a year apart?

Jana

 

Dear Jana,

It sounds like the relationship, while very enjoyable in some respects, also brought you much inner turmoil.  The behaviors you describe fit some of the traits of a sociopath - someone who is charming but manipulative, who experiences little empathy, shame, or remorse. He entices you with his words and invades your personal space, expertly building rapport to create a false sense of intimacy with you. But he’s not sincere and has no desire to honor you.

Someone who fits into this category tends to disregard your rights and sentiments, often violating stated boundaries around sexual integrity and your physical being.  He cannot commit well to relationships and wants to “keep you all to himself”, isolated from friends and family. Drawing you ever closer to himself, initially may make you feel special, but in truth, he’s increasing your dependency and vulnerability to him.  Often this is done with a play for your sentiments and compassion.

In finally breaking up with this man, you stopped playing his game, so he has moved on and doesn’t care if you see him for who he is.  For you, this was about love.  For him, it was about what he could get. This type of individual lives in the moment. Based on his inherent lack of trust, there is no tomorrow. Your feelings of betrayal are real and understandable.  You should consider yourself lucky, though, that you got out of this toxic relationship.  Marriage would not have changed his behavior.  Your heart will heal and it is free to love someone who is deserving of it and able to return what you have to give.

Additional signs to help identify a sociopathic individual:

  • An underdeveloped individual who lacks ability to love, to live by higher values or possess a sense of obligation based on an emotional attachment to another
  • Guiltlessly charms others in order to take advantage of them through parasitic relationships
  • Disregards the safety of others and is indifferent to the one he has mistreated, hurt or stolen from
  • Fails to conform to social norms or lawful behaviors and may have a history with trouble with the law
  • Fails to honor financial obligations, subsequently can be in and out of financial turmoil
  • Avoids sustained effort, organized projects, commitment, long-term goals or plans
  • Chronically bored and empty, therefore lives in pursuit of a “rush”
  • Impulsive and never monogamous
  • Gravitates towards behavioral addictions to sex, porn and/or substances
  • Does not miss others when they are alienated or gone

If you suspect being involved with a sociopathic individual, it’s important to seek professional assistance.  For questions or support contact Jianny at Jianny@fearlesslove.net or at 561-450-5580.

Posted on 11 Nov 2014 by jianny

Most people believe sociopaths are just the mass murders in our society; however, that is not the truth. Estimates say that 1 in 25 of humans are diagnosable with this disorder. Chances are you will cross paths or have already engaged in a relationship with a one.

Charmer. Con artist. Chameleon. Master Manipulator.  These are just a few names by which you may have come to know a sociopath, an individual that experiences little to no conscious guilt, empathy, shame or remorse and has an ongoing pattern of disregard for the rights and concern of others.

If you find yourself in a relationship with a sociopath you will know by the ­­­­­­violations you are sustaining to your sentiments, physical being, sexual integrity, and/or finances. The following guidelines will help you to deal with the sociopath, as well as other types of toxic and abusive personalities:  

13 rules on dealing with a sociopath:

  1. Accept that some people truly have no conscience.  If you have been in denial, it’s time to recognize that you are being violated and stop making excuses or accepting excuses for consistently bad behaviors.
  2. Go with your instincts or intuition vs. the implied role he has taken on. Sociopaths are excellent communicators. Don’t believe him.
  3. Give three strikes:  First offense look at the claims, responsibilities, and promises made or implied and address any inconsistencies. Do not sweep them under the rug.  Was it a simple mistake or recklessness? Second offense or neglect of responsibility: consider if you are placing­­­­ yourself in physical, emotional, or financial risk. What is your personal cost to staying in this relationship? By the third strike, cut your losses!
  4. Be suspicious of those who don’t want you to question them and do question authority.
  5. Don’t confuse fear with respect. Know what R-E-S-P-E-C-T means to you and teach others how you want to be treated. BTW - Abusive individuals are not very teachable.
  6. Do not join the game. Don’t try to redeem them. D­­­­on’t try to get even. It only prolongs involvement and delays your recovery.
  7. Avoid and refuse any contact or communication with the abuser. Change jobs and residence if necessary.
  8. Don’t live in isolation. Sociopaths seek those who are isolated, insecure, and vulnerable. Be part of a caring community.
  9. Enlist support from family and friends, Human Resources, an attorney, therapist and/or the police. Join a support group such as Aftermath: Surviving Psychopathy.
  10. Document. Document. Document.
  11. Recognize the “Pity Play”, which is his weapon of choice to hook into your sentiments and compassion, enabling him to get away with murder.  Genuine remorse or repentance is introspective, the individual wants to pay restitution and is willing to be held accountable. Don’t be so quick to give your time, money, home, car, or care. Make sure he isn’t putting you through a cycle of abuse, which includes a period of romance and good behavior before they act out again.
  12. Never agree to help him conceal his true character.  He will tell you not to tell anyone but don’t keep his secrets.
  13. Share your experience.  It can help others not fall victim and can help you find purpose.

If you or a loved one has been in a relationship with a sociopath or a toxic individual, most likely you have experienced a loss of trust and a loss of sense of security. Working with a professional will expedite healing and recovery. It will help you to release the negative emotions lodged by this traumatic encounter and help you to embrace joy, peace, trust and intimacy.

Take back your life and well-being for living well is the best revenge.

 

Some of these guidelines are based on the work of Martha Stout, Ph. D., The Sociopath Next Door. For support or questions contact Jianny Adamo at Jianny@fearlesslove.net or call 561-450-5580.

Posted on 11 Nov 2014 by jianny

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